We Remember

Today is the fourth anniversary of the loss of our twin girls, Kathleen and Ella. I am filled with many emotions this year. Our lives have come full circle as we have completed our family with another set of twin girls, Ciara and Maura. I can honestly say that since that day four years ago not a day goes by that I don't think of them. I don't always cry, nor do I dwell on the what ifs, or feel sorry for myself. Often I take pause and realize how lucky I am to have three healthy, beautiful children. I try to be a little more patient, and enjoy them even more than I already do. I remember how supportive my husband has always been, but especially during our darkest days after the loss. I remember how we came together and didn't let this tragedy tear us apart. We strengthened our marriage and came through stronger, knowing that we had survived the worst - together. I know others may not understand our need to remember. But, I feel that their short lives, though only inside me, should be acknowledged. We loved them the second we learned they were conceived. They were individual, little people to us. I feel very guilty this year because I completely forgot to schedule a Mass for them at our church. I feel most guilty because I am so busy with our new additions. I hope they know that they haven't been replaced in our hearts. They will always be remembered. When our living children are old enough to understand we will do something each year on their birthday to honor their memory. We hope that by doing this as a family our children will know how much they were wanted, and how much they are loved. We took such a risk with our hearts to try again, but we were blessed, and we know it.

We've Come So Far!

Wow! I can't believe I haven't updated my blog since October! (I actually can because it's just so busy here) The girls have settled into more of a routine which is nice. They still fuss/cry as they fall asleep. I've accepted that to be the way they fall asleep. They are smiling and laughing and getting ready to crawl! It has been so much fun to watch Tadhg develop a relationship with his sisters. He loves to make them laugh by jumping up and down, and blowing raspberries. They just crack up! You can just see how attached he is getting and it's so sweet. Today I had to take the "girlies" (as they are known around here, thanks to big brother) up for their nap. Tadhg was finishing his lunch. From upstairs I hear wailing and am thinking he had fallen out of his chair or something. After he was calm enough to explain he told me "he forgot to say good night to the girlies". I mean how stinkin' cute! He was so upset! So before he went in for his rest he stood outside their door (they were already asleep) and whispered "goodnight, Ciara, goodnight Maura, I love you". It brings tears to the eyes!

Crying It Out

Though there are many things difficult about parenting I think getting kids to sleep is at the top of the list. I am writin this as my baby girls "cry it out" upstairs for the fifth night in a row. UGH!! I absolutely HATE it! However, with two babies you can imagine how elusive sleep can be. Up until this week I hadn't really been able to talk to my husband unless a few stressed words over crying babies counts (it doesn't in my book). My DVR is at risk of not recording because it is so full since I have been running up and down the stairs pushing binkies into two crying mouths. It seemed once one baby was asleep the other would wake and around and around we'd go. That would be my night. I'd end up feeling a combination of resentment (if my husband had his turn downstairs) or guilt (that he was stuck up there). So, after we decided to consult a child sleep specialist (Kim West, author of Good Night Sleep Tight), and I read Dr. Marc Weisbluth's Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child; I decided to let them "cry it out". It doesn't seem to be progressing as well or as quickly as I thought. It took our son about a week of max thirty minute crying to get it. That was after he nursed himself to sleep for a year then suddenly decided that he wouldn't fall asleep that way anymore. That was a year of a bad habit. I am starting this early thinking that it can't possibly take that long! But you see, they get stubbornness from both sides of our families. Why couldn't we just have easy, lay you down and you look around and whammy you're asleep. Ahhhh, the challenges of parenting twins!! I guess there is one good thing - they will usually fall asleep for naps without the screaming. Thank God for small blessings!

Sweet Singing

Tadhg and I have been taking Music Together classes since he was nine months old. He always seemed to respond to music from birth, so naturally I thought he would enjoy music classes. He started out swaying and "dancing" to his music. He then moved on to playing instruments, to chanting or just speaking the words of songs, he would finish a line of a song if I started it. We had to take a brief hiatus from class while I was pregnant and I was anxious to get back. We started last week and the new music collection is lots of fun. It includes some classics like "Itsy Bitsy Spider" and "My Bonny Lies Over the Ocean". Well, I was awakened by the sweetest sound this morning, my little guy singing "Itsy Bitsy Spider"! He was singing with great pitch and sang the words so clearly! It was so cool and exactly what I've been waiting for for the last year and a half. He gets very shy if you ask him to perform though, so I'll have to listen for those moments when he thinks no one is listening! Trying to catch that on tape should be interesting!

Smiles and Babbles

As the girls have started to smile and babble it got me to thinking about Tadhg. I remember when he started to babble. I wondered what his first words would be and even how his little voice would sound. Well, he's just the cutest little talker now! His gestures and pronunciations constantly crack us up. In fact more than a few times I've been caught smiling or laughing when he is being corrected. This cracks him up, and makes for lackluster dicipline to say the least! I have resolved to get the video camera out to capture all the girls' little sounds as well asTadhg's many words. It's just so much fun to watch yoour kids grow!

My Last Babies

It's so interesting the things I think about while trying to fall asleep. I mean really, you'd think I would be out as soon as my head hit the pillow! Maybe it's the fact that lately I've had a fussy baby in my arms as I try to catch a catnap as she falls asleep enough to move her back to her room, but I digress. I was thinking about a comment I've heard from many mommy friends when they have decided that their family is complete. They talk about relishing this tiny baby as it is the last one they will have. Relishing includes rocking, feeding, and just general cuddles. I'm envious of this ability to relish this time in the above mentioned ways. I realize that I just can't cuddle two at a time in the same way. There are four eyes to stare into, instead of two (it makes it really difficult to make eye contact at the same time). Granted I do get a little time when I'm nursing them or they or needing to be in my arms to fall asleep. But I mostly find myself just wanting them to fall aleep already so I can catch some rest! When you read emails from fellow multiple moms asking when it gets easier the responses go on about how much easier it is around 4-5 months, basically because they are needing less of that one-on-one attention. So yet again I fear I am just wishing away the last moments I will have to cuddle my last little babies.

Two Month Check - Up

So we went to the doctor yesterday and the girls are growing like weeds! They've gained 3 pounds in a month! Pretty amazing. I read somewhere that mother's milk changes composition to nourish a premature baby. I really believe it! My milk is really fatty and the girls are clearly gaining well! I am just in awe of how the human body can adjust itself in such a way. Amazing!

We're starting to nap upstairs in the crib and have even moved in there at night. Last night was the first time they have not slept in the bouncy seats. I am hoping it was not just an easy transition because they were so out of it due to the shots, we'll see what tonight brings!

I'm happy to say that life is beginning to return to a new "normal". At least Tim is back upstairs and getting a decent amount of sleep. It's nice to have him back!